Another attempt of consistency

Hi there:

I’m trying to journal write again. I need to. I’ve recently reread my diaries from jr. high and they are terrifying. They are terrifying because they are so fucking sad. I would pull them out to quote, but I don’t want to ruin my night. I wrote those post sexual abuse, post physical abuse, mid bullying, mid dealing with my parents and feeling of abandonment, and pre high school. The self hate and “love” obsessiveness is absolutely heartbreaking.

And I want redemption.

I need redemption.

I deserve redemption.

I deserve to start a diary again to show the growth that I have had since then. I no longer agree with the self hate I saw in those pages. I am more at peace and obsessed over the things I can control.

Random memory I remembered: I came home one day in my senior high school to see a crumpled piece of paper in my trash can. I uncrumpled it to find a suicide note that I wrote about 6 months before that. Someone in my family somehow found it and threw it away. It was a clear cry for help. And whoever in family found it, never said anything. To this day, I do not know who found it and threw it away.

I am attempting to start a journal again. I wrote a little bit in 2019, but quit pretty quickly. I will try not to quit this time. I want to be the person I needed as a child.

Dear 12 year old Madelynn:

Things have gotten better. I promise. I will tell you and I will show you.

I love you .